On Facebook and Hurt Feelings and Children of Divorce

It just never seems to get any easier. I don't usually get this personal about my family life on my blog. I have no problems talking about disordered eating, or OCD, or snissing, or anything like that, but I've rarely discussed my family. I don't really have a good reason why, other than the fact that some of them read here every so often, but I don't usually have a problem sharing my feelings with them, anyway.

Which brings us to today's post.

After thanksgiving, I found out that my dad was engaged. How did I find out? On Facebook. Was it an email message from him? A wall post? No, it was a "status change" and a picture of the ring that his girlfriend posted. They've been living together for just over a year now, the two of them and her pre-teen daughter and their dog, one little happy family. Or something.

I initially thought that maybe she had just gotten really excited and posted right away and that he was going to call to share the news. But a few days went by and I didn't hear anything. C spoke to him a few times for business-related issues, but there was no mention of it in those conversations, either.

In case you haven't guessed, sometimes I'm a little passive-aggressive. So I decided that I wasn't going to call or say anything about it until he brought it up first. Neither of my siblings received a call, either. Don't you think it's just common courtesy to call your children to tell them you're getting married?

Apparently not. The first I "officially" heard anything about it was on christmas eve, when he mentioned that they were planning a very quick wedding and were considering the Grand Canyon as a possible location. Very quick, as in maybe February. And would we want to come to the wedding?

The nonchalance with which he asked if we would want to be there really stung. Sure, we've had our issues, but we've (or is it just "I've"?) worked so freaking hard to rebuild our relationship over the last five years. So "would we want to come?" WTF kind of question is that? He's my freaking FATHER, not just some random guy planning a wedding. Is that even an actual invitation? Not to mention the logistics of trying to plan a cross-country trip with a toddler on such short notice, plus the unbudgeted money for plane tickets and a hotel and vacation time. We've been saving up to visit C's brother in Seattle. Can't do both.

Even if I were to scrape the extra cash together to bring my family out there, my brother and sister certainly couldn't. They're both on tighter budgets and tighter schedules. "Paid time off" isn't even a phrase in their vocabularies at this point. And he knows that. And he knows that it would be hard for me to come with such little notice. Yet he'll go through with it anyway. Whether or not his own three children will be there.

My parents have been divorced for 14 years now. Many of those years were packed with drama and nastiness. More than any of us would have liked, but what's done is done. I'll spare you the details for now. Maybe in another post. Maybe not. He and I didn't speak for years after his second wedding. Then I got engaged, and C and I started planning our wedding, and I slowly began really trying to bring him back into my life. It started out small, with lunch meetings here and there, trying to get to know each other again. He had a massive heart attack on the plane ride home after one of those meetings. He very nearly died. That's when I realized that it was time to let go of the hurt feelings and the nastiness of the past and just focus on moving forward.

Five years since then and a lot of things have changed. But some things still haven't. It's like deja-vu all over again. New woman, new kids, new family.