Twas the eve of my due date, and all through my ute
The baby was stirring, and it was no longer cute
What started out as sweet flutters and jabs
Had turned into barrel rolls and my ribs getting stabbed.
The husband is nestled all snug in our bed
While I toss and turn, no comfy place for my head.
The cat's in the hallway, yowling to come in,
The kid in the morning will ask "where's my sister?!" again.
When all of a sudden, as things looked so bleak,
I sprang from the bed when I felt a small leak.
To the bathroom I flew, this could be it!
But no, I just peed on myself. Again. This is shit.
The moonlight shone down on my belly so large,
While baby danced in delight - "ha! you thought YOU were in charge!"
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a glistening new stretch mark tracing over my rear.
Now come on! You're kidding me! I've come so far!
With one day left to go and my bag packed in the car?!
I couldn't be spared from this one pregnancy ail?
The lotioning and oiling was one giant fail.
Spicy food, pineapple, running don't work,
Neither does sex - that Old Wife is a jerk.
I've tried all the tricks, without any success,
I should just face the facts - baby knows best.
And so here I sit, impatient and bitchy,
The heartburn and joint pain are making me twitchy.
The baby still growing, a pound a day, there's no doubt,
For maximum impact when she makes her way out.
Discomfort is making me desperately plea
To the creature still holed up and comfy in me:
Come on, baby girl! This is total baloney!
If you come out soon, I'll buy you a pony.