Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Ever Have One of Those Nights

When you just can't turn your brain off? It's not even like it's obsessing over one thing in particular, which leaves even more room for thoughts to wiggle around in my head every time I think I've cleared the slate.

I've got two more weeks left of class, and then the final exam. I'll be so glad when it's over, but then I have to start preparing for the doctoral prelim exam that I'll be taking in the fall. Then there's the dissertation process. Can I really do this? Am I just setting myself up for failure in a department that doesn't really respect the kind of work that I do? What if I don't finish? That will be my second failed go-round. I don't even have an operational dissertation topic anymore and I'm feeling uninspired.

Charlie is starting to ask tough questions, like what happens when you die. I'm not ready to deal with that, yet. Mostly because, I don't know what happens when you die. I'm torn between being honest and telling him that I don't know, or making up something like heaven just until he's old enough to really understand. Husband is on the side of making something up for now. I think I'm starting to agree.

Work is stressing me out. We have a full project list and not enough people to do the work. It's a problem, but there's nothing that can be done about it right now.

My dad very nearly died of a heart attack 6 years ago. Since then, he quit smoking, started eating right, and stepped up on the exercise. I hated (and yes, that's a strong word, but there's a history there) his now-ex-wife, but she did a good job keeping him in line with diet and lifestyle choices. His new wife - not so much. From what I understand, he's stopped exercising and I'm worried about him.

Three months later and we've made no progress on the baby-or-no-baby decision. Husband just got back from a weekend ski trip with his brother, and I'm trying to plan a sisters trip for this summer. My heart hurts when I think about Charlie growing up an only child and not having these things in his future. I just can't wrap my brain around how you can go and spend 3 days having a great time with a sibling and then not want the same for your own child. Different strokes, I guess. I'm trying to gear up to move on, selling and giving away some stuff, but it still sucks.

I'll be really happy when this theory class is over. I feel like I've been out of the loop (sociologically speaking) for too long, and I have a few years' worth of research to catch up on.

My Google Reader has over 1,000 unread items. Just opening the tab makes me feel anxious, so I'm ignoring it :p

I guess the positive is that I'm finally starting to understand the benefit of long runs as stress relief. I've never really "gotten" it before, but there really is something therapeutic about being out before dawn, just you and the road, watching the world slowly come to life as the sun comes up. I hardly even feel guilty for not being at home reading soc theory, instead.

1 comment:

  1. Having your mind busy with ideas is one thing but to have it filled with worry is a totally different problem.  Death?  Some do claim to know.  Did he know any grandparents or great uncle/aunts that have passed away?  Where would you tell him they went?  I'm not sure about the whole spirit thing.  It does bring comfort to many.  I believe people often put too much on their plate.  Good wishes for your dad.



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