Where it Gets Painfully Real In Here

So. This is something that's been weighing on me for months about two years, now. I've been reluctant to talk about it, firstly because it's nobody's business, and secondly because I'm afraid that if I actually write it down, it makes it too real, and I prefer to live in a somewhat ambiguous mental world when it comes to serious issues. Yes, in a previous life I was an ostrich.

I want another baby. Reeeeeeeeeeeeally, really, really, heart-breakingly really want another. Like to the point where hearing about people I know getting pregnant or planning for an addition makes my eyes prick with tears.

I feel like a horrible person for feeling like this, especially when there are so many close friends of mine struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss. I have a beautiful family, already, and I should be happy with what I've got. And I AM happy with what I've got. Very, really, truly happy.

I look at C and think about how fast these last three years have gone by and I just can't imagine never doing it again. It's not even like I want to be Michelle Duggar! I just want ONE more. Just one. That's it.



I don't think it's even so much about me here, but more about Toddler Charlie. My sister is one of my best friends. I'm so lucky to have both a brother AND a sister, and I just want one or the other for him. Some of my favorite times are those spent with my gigantic extended family reminiscing about the past, telling stories about growing up, finding long-forgotten anecdotes about how we used to play magic show and shove my sister into a wooden box, or how we tried to sell rocks on the corner for $5 each, or how we carried around my brother's tape recorder creating a cassette tape of our own radio broadcasts. I love how we had each other to lean on through thick and thin - even though things were really rough for a few years and family drama drove a wedge between us - we were still family and we always will be. We will always have each other, and we will always be connected.



Maybe I wouldn't feel so strongly on the issue if we lived closer to my family and he had access to his cousins and aunts and uncles. But we don't, and the reality is that we probably never will, so it is what it is.

And this is where I get all dark and morbid, but obviously no one lives forever, and once Husband C and I are gone, I want Toddler C to have SOMEONE. Sure, I hope he gets married and has a family of his own, too, but a sibling relationship is different. They are people who knew you when - who can verify or challenge your memories, who can vouch for your character at all phases of your life, who share that common past. And that is why I hate that we just can't come to a decision on this issue. We've been unable to commit to a decision either way - there are valid reasons on each side. I'm more on the pro side, C is more on the con side - and that's ok. That's just how it is right now. Things could change. And that's what I really hate - the lack of certainty. I know that nothing is ever certain (save death and taxes, blah blah blah), but the not knowing is pretty much killing me. It's obviously not a decision that you can put on a definite timeline, either, although at some point human biology will step in and make it, for us. Sometimes, making the decision by NOT making the decision actually sounds preferable.

I don't expect any profound comments on this subject, I just needed to put it somewhere. I also don't need any more pros/cons to the argument - we've gone in enough circles on our own and we've covered pretty much all of them. I think this is somewhat of a contributor to my recent case of the anxiety blahs. Maybe writing it down will help.