Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Que Sera, Sera

So today I've been having some really awful cramps. Really. Awful. They scare me. To be fair, everything scares me, but these are different, because I don't know what's causing them. Is it normal growth and Ute stretching? Or is it Something Awful? There's really no way to know. You just have to wait it out. And this is the worst thing about having anxiety issues. The waiting.

Like the vast majority of our civilization, I have a love/hate with Dr. Google. I find myself scouring the search results for happy outcomes and then swearing off the internet forever after I find the one story among hundreds that doesn't end so happily. Same thing with my pregnancy message boards and the blogosphere. There's only so much reading I can do before I'm overwhelmed with negativity and have to step away.

I know that statistics are on my side. I'm 8 weeks, we've seen the heartbeat, it was within normal range - but there's always that what-if running through my head. C mentioned that he thinks my anxiety is worse this time than last time. I'm kind of in agreement with him at this point. My next OB appointment isn't for another 2 weeks. It's the day before I leave for a conference a few states away. I want to get down on my knees and beg and plead for a pity ultrasound, but I know that it's just a waste because the NT scan will be coming up a week or so later. Nothing I can do to change the outcome, anyway.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera

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