Cringe-Worthy

So I posted before about how baaaaaaaad the new NKOTB CD is, but I've noticed a few sets of lyrics that just strike me as either very very cheesy or very very wrong. I'll just share my thoughts on the whole thing.



As you can see from the cover, Donnie is the only one who has aged well. Must be that Whalberg thing. Danny still looks like a monkey, no surprise there. At least the hair has improved all around. Shall we refresh what the Fab 5 used to look like?



The cheese starts with the first track on the album, "Click, Click, Click." Good old Donnie D goes into this pseudo-rap session at the end, which opens with this classic line:

Click, click, click with my Nikon/ Click with my Sony. Girl I ain't no phony.

Really? Now that's just desperation for words that rhyme. Just leave out the funkiness altogether. Maybe they should have called on Marky Mark to come up with something a little more genuine.

I haven't found anything wrong with the second song, "Single." It's actually my favorite one on there. I also like "Summertime," if only for the tribute Joey Joe makes to the 1988 Jones Beach crowd. Kind of takes me back to the days of the Pepsi Magic Summer Tour (or was it Coke?). My BFF Erica got to go to that show, but I had already seen them once so I didn't get to tag along. The whole song smacks somewhat of LFO, but it's cute nonetheless.

Perhaps the most disturbing selections come from "Big Girl Now," track 3, featuring Lady Gaga (I have no clue who that is)

I'm big boy, you're a big girl now
I'm a big girl, you're a big boy now
I've been waiting too long for you to get naughty
Beat me, spank me daddy, come on, touch my body
They say that good things come to those who wait
Come take me on before it's too late

Really? That's just plain weird. Is this song written for the previously-underage fans from the early 90's?

That brings us to track 4 - "2 in the Morning." Nothing overtly awful about this one, either, but I find this line puzzling: Will this ever end? Girl, it's almost ten/ Gotta know if you're mad at me before Grey's Anatomy 'cause we could drag this out all night...

I've never seen Grey's Anatomy, but for some reason I'm not thinking it's a guy show. Am I wrong on that?

Keeping with the "look at me I'm all grown up" theme, these come from a song called, what else? "Grown man." Yo, check out Adidas band I don't even know what to do with this. What's an Adidas band? And again, this is just weird. I'm-a give you some grown man (hey)/I'm-a give you some grown man (oh)/ I'm-a give you some grown man.

Next up we have "Dirty Dancing." It's a catchy tune but I can't help but laugh at the chorus Oh, it's so crazy, she's like Baby, I'm like Swayze. It's also a walking contradiction when they start off talking about the "shorty" with the "leanest body," and then go on to describe the same as having "big 'ol hips" and "big 'ol thighs." So which is it? A lean body or a muffin top?

Track 8 provides another fine example of bad rhymes. It's like they were channeling Avril LaVigne or something. Really gotta concentrate and now we're gonna consummate/ So, lets conversate. Is that even a word? I'm certainly no prude, but I am a stickler for real words and proper grammar.

The last few songs on the album just seem like a random collection of tracks that didn't really fit anywhere else. I have a hard time forcing myself to listen anywhere beyond track 8. Track 9 is certainly "Twisted." Tell me where does it hurt/ Tell me where to kiss it. As they've reminded us numerous times thus far, we're all "grown up." So why spew this kind of infantile crap?

"Twisted" is followed by "Full Service," ostensibly a song written about how in New Jersey you don't have to get out of the car to pump your own gas. You ain't gotta do it yourself, baby/ I'm-a give you that full service, you'll see/ You ain't even gotta get out of your seat/ I'm-a give you that full service, you'll see.

"Lights, Camera, Action" is a little ditty about trying to convince your girlfriend that it's a great id to make a DIY adult movie. "Put it on my Tab" sounds like it could belong in the earlier (better) section of the album, until you hear this line - Hey Mr. Bartender, please make a pina colada/ Hold the alcohol, please/ And whatever baby girl, is sippin' on,/ You can tell her, drinks on me. You might initially think that they're requesting a pina colada for the chick at the bar, but then you learn that he's willing to pay for "whatever she's drinking," which means that the fruity beverage is actually for himself. Not only is he ordering a frou-frou drink, but he's ordering it without the alcohol. Finally (on the US album), we come to "Stare at You." Now that I think about it, I can't recall actually listening to this one.

Those lucky UK fans are treated to FIVE additional tracks. I haven't bothered to check them out online yet but I'll report back at some point.

All that being said, I still CAN'T FREAKING WAIT for the concert in June.